The Pandemonium That Is My Mind

Physics

2008-05-13T04:56:36Z

Man, that Physics exam was tough. Everyone else though so too. During the break after the multiple choice section I heard quite a few "I'm cancelling my grade."s I'm tempted to do the same, but I want to see what I actually get on it. It would suck if I actually made a good grade on the exam and my score was cancelled so I don't want to run that risk. Anyway, I have no clue how I did on it, but hopefully I attempted enough questions on the free response and multiple choice to make a 3.

Operation: uh....freak Crystal out? *shrugs* Anyway, that thing is underway now. Andy told Crystal about his dying love for me while I was taking the exam, so now I need to wait for the day he asks me out which is still pending now because David still hasn't gotten a proper response from Crystal. Although, he did say that after she read the note he gave her about it, she had a grave look on her face, so I guess that's a taste of what's to come. As for the response for the note I gave her, I'm still waiting for that since I gave it to her in a mad rush during the break for the Physics AP.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-12T04:08:14Z

Happy Mother's Day everyone!
I didn't really do much for my mom today. I got her a card and was nice to her today. It doesn't really take much to please her, so I'm sure this Mother's Day was a nice one for her.

To mess with Crystal, Andy devised a plan for him to tell her that he likes me, and then at a later time he'll ask me out with Crystal witnessing it. I need to think of something funny to say for my denial. I know it's going to be something along the lines of "I already like someone." but I'm not sure who to say. My choices are Alex and Tom. I would choose Alex because Crystal had a slight crush on him at the end of last semester (I think...), and she thinks he's like the hottest guy ever. I would choose Tom because Crystal already thinks I like him, so it would only confirm that thought. Decisions, decisions.

My Physics AP Exam is tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it. Hopefully, I can pull of a 3 so that I won't have that many exams with a failing grade on them. <_<

Notes Galore!

2008-05-11T04:51:14Z

Time for us to catch up with what I've been writing to Crystal and what she's been writing to me. Here goes.

This is my reply to the previous note:

"To be honest, I don't think your friends influenced you at all to be interested in homosexuality. If I remember correctly, it was Madeline that introduced you to Ouran High School Host Club, which had a few homosexual aspects in it, which, then, caused you to become obsessed with it causing you to write/read fanfiction solely dealing with said homosexual aspects in Ouran which then caused you to be interested in yaoi/shounen-ai, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong. So, I don't really think your friends (Madeline specifically) influenced you at all. You grew to like this yourself, so DON'T go around making assumptions like that. Things things through before you say things. It'll do wonders."

Yea, I put in a little subliminal message of my own. I don't think she noticed though. Anyway, on to the reply.

The reply:

"Dearest Austin,
That wasn't quite the main point of the last note I sent you; I was hoping (yet not hoping) that you'd figure it out. Eh. Madeline did introduce me to Ouran High School Host Club. Methinks, though, that it wasn't the anime itself that hooked me on the homosexual thing. Have you spent much of your time around David and Madeline? At any rate, I cannot say for certain how I became interested in the homosexual stuff. (I do know that it was Rustin and the "scissoring" which disgusted me because I am very straight; besides, I don't find much to like - as friends - in many other girls. I'm still searching for a polite word to describe them.) The point is that I'm no longer interested in it, and I won't ever go back. (I could not imagine myself walking up to Paul or Angelique [Note: Those are her church friends.] and telling them that I liked homosexal guys. Now, they already know I like tight jeans on guys. Paul and Richard have been warned.) Of course, if you'd like to argue, feel free to. Though, I suppose I'll let you know that I greatly prefer notes (that Austin wrote) that makes me smile to myself (like the 1st note- though I did break out in a cold sweat when Tina handed it to me) rather than those that ruin morning and shatter a peice of my heart/add a dagger to the array currently piercing my heart (not to be dramatic or anything).

Oh, and I think you should think about it (vague with reason) ( I mentioned it in here, somewhere). I'm not certain that I want you to know, but it would certainly help me and possibly solve one problem (though it may cause more). The stress and greatly unwonted emotions (sadness, mainly) have affected me (and my body) for the worse. As to the opener, I think that you're the only Austin I know, which would make you the dearest Austin to me! (Even if you weren't the only Austin I knew, you'd still be the BEST! Even though I (sometimes) would love to hate you; you're simple not hateable).
I'm in a playful mood by the way. (Don't know why it improved).

You owe me a hug."

Oh lord, if that last note made her feel that way I wonder what'll happen to her once she reads this:

"Eh. I don't think you've been getting the main point of the last notes. *sigh* You *snaps* just don't get it! [Note: That's an inside joke with the Chinese 2 classes] Anyway... even though I don't hang around David and Madeline often, I do know that they won't pressure anyone into doing something like that. So, needless to say, you have to take the responsibility of letting this "bad" thing happen to you. Which brings me to my next point. I absolutely hate how you regard homosexuality as something "bad." Homosexuality is as "right" as anything else in this world. Do you know who makes homosexuality perceived "wrong?" People like you. It's people like you that discriminate against us everyday. It's people like you that make us have to hide in the shadows with the fear of not being accepted. It's people like you that spit on the Declaration of Independence by denying us the right to get married to whomever we want. So much for "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

So, please, enlighten me on why homosexuality is "wrong" because, last time I checked, I'm the same as the other 6 billion people on Earth, so I, and others, should be entitled to the same rights as every other person is."

It's currently in the editing process.

More AP Exams

2008-05-10T04:35:02Z

Today was the AP US History Exam. Surprisingly, it was kind of easy. The multiple choice was a breeze. Although, I did have to skip a few questions because they were about weird stuff like books, and I didn't really study hard enough to know the authors of all of the books mentioned. The essays were a lot worse. The DBQ was really easy since it was about something almost current, but the other topics I had no idea what to write about. I BSed both of the free response questions which will hopefully get me a 4 or a 5 so that I can get a 4 with getting an 8 on the DBQ and around 50 right on the muiltiple choice part.

After the exam we were excused from 5th period so I hung out with Andy and Tom in the band hall. We talked about random stuff and played Pokemon afterward. It was fun.

There's more Crystal drama, but I'll write about it tomorrow.

AP Exams; Interesting Graffiti

2008-05-09T03:57:12Z

So, I took the AP German Language Exam today. It was...interesting... I skipped a fair amount of questions due to stupid things like missing questions in the listening portion because of page turns or not paying attention for certain sections in the listening section because I was taking notes. All in all, I think I did pretty well in the multiple choice section. As for the free response section, I totally BSed the essay. I really hope my amazing grammar made up for the lack of content in the essay. If I did, I'm pretty sure I'll get a 3 or above. In the speaking portion, I blanked out on some questions and gave BS responses. They grade all 6 questions as a whole though, so hopefully they won't take off too much for answers that might be out of context. Also, in the picture sequence section, I only talked about 4 of the pictures instead of the total 6, and I blanked out for like 10 seconds because I stumbled in word order.

Tomorrow is the AP US History Exam. I'm probably going to get either a 4 or a 5 on that because I'm pretty good at the multiple choice and the DBQ essay. As for the other essays, I can hopefully BS my way through them and get a 4/5 (out of a possible 9) on those so that I can get a 4.

Lunch was pretty interesting today. There was Chinese writing on the board from Tom writing silly things after the concert on Tuesday, and people (myself included) kept adding to it. Andy changed one of the sentences on the board. He changed (translated from Chinese) "Austin and Tom kill Michael and Joy" to "Austin really loves Tom. They often make out, and, when they go in bed, it's very noisy." I kept on the board since Andy was just going to write it again anyway, so there was no purpose in erasing it. Later on in band class, I heard that Crystal was freaking out because she thought what was on the board was true. Oh, speaking of Crystal, while I was quietly studying for my AP US History exam, she wanted to lean on my back for some reason (well, we all know the reason. <_<). I let her despite my wanting to be left alone. Next time I'll just say no or something. Which reminds me, I still need to write a response to that note she wrote me a few days ago.

Oh, Andy figured out that Crystal likes me today. At first he laughed about it, but now he's pretty disgusted. He had the same reaction I did. <_<

AP Exams

2008-05-08T03:47:10Z

I take my first AP exam tomorrow. It's German Language, so it'll be quite challenging. The only things that I'm concerned about are the essay and the speaking portion of the exam. I manage to mess those up a lot making conjugation errors and whatnot. I guess if I remember to say things slowly and clearly not only will I stall for time, but I won't make as many mistakes as I would if I talked fast. Good thing German is a pretty slow paced language. <_< I'm hoping to get a 3 on it, but AP standards might be low for this exam, so I might get a higher score if I don't mess up too much. Oh, there are only 6 people (including me) that are taking the exam, so it'll probably go a lot faster than all of the other language APs that have been going on.

I'm going to sleep tonight at 11 instead of 12, so I won't be a German-speaking zombie in the morning. <_<

The Reply; More Election Drama

2008-05-07T04:02:09Z

Crystal wrote a response. It was very interesting and cryptic. You'll see.

"I know most of what you told me. Though, I must admit, the reminder helped me a great deal (I couldn't seem to abandon my liking of tight jeans - on guys.) To be honest, my interest (well, former interest) in homosexual guys was not me. It wasn't Crystal. It was something I had been introduced to and I came to like it, even though it was friends who influenced me. At any rate, I'm pleased to say that I got it out of my system. Deep down, I was pretty revolted by it. Now, as to the other problem (or, rather, crisis,) which I cannot name, I can do nothing about it. I cannot repress it, and it will likely lead to trouble. Like-as-in it could cause trouble for my friends - my close friends. You are included in that. [A nother wish: I wish it wouldn't complicate things; then I could explain everything. Lots of people may wish the same.] So, about the whole "I'm-very-sorry-but-I-have

-to-ignore-you-and-I-can't-explain-it-to-you" deal, I'm not able to stick to it. I probably should, but I have to admit, life lacking an Austin is most miserable. I am very sorry for being so rude. I have to wonder if it was my own method of self-punishment. But I would certainly kowtow at your feet if I could kowtow. Anyway, so I decide that if I'm going to mess up and make a mistake, I might as well do it thoroughly. I wish I could tell you."

Here's the cryptic part:
"I cannot repress it, and it will likely lead to trouble. Like-as-in it could cause trouble for my friends - my close friends. You are included in that. [A nother wish: I wish it wouldn't complicate things; then I could explain everything. Lots of people may wish the same.]"

Yes! She did all of that on purpose! It's so weird.

What also stood out to me was:
"Anyway, so I decide that if I'm going to mess up and make a mistake, I might as well do it thoroughly. I wish I could tell you."

That makes me think that's she'll actually tell me that she likes me. I really hope she doesn't because I'll either be completely speechless or the complete opposite and tell her off.

More election drama! Ok, so I heard from the new president, Vivian, that Mindy and her supporters are taking this matter to the assistant principals because Demontray wasn't being fair and blah blah blah blah blah. It's entirely retarded, and I think they're just wasting their time doing this. Oh, also, Mindy is trying to get parents to come to the school to fight for her. That is also entirely retarded. Can't she just give it a rest? She didn't win for a reason.

I have a really fuzzy story about all of this, so I'll try to get to the bottom of this. I hope I won't have to do anything like talk to parents and stuff like that. AP exam week isn't really the best time for all of this.

Election Drama

2008-05-06T04:57:56Z

AIM logs work wonders for explaining things.

(22:22:53) Tina: dfhglkjxklfd
(22:22:55) T: skfjkfjksfjsk;ldfj
(22:22:56) T: kdfj;sdjfk;ldsfjdsk;fjdsk;f
(22:22:59) I: hmm?
(22:23:17) T: nuthin much... a petition is going around 4 mindy [Note: Mindy is the person who ran against me that got one less vote than me causing her to lose)
(22:23:25) I: sd;lkghjas;lkghs;ldfksg
(22:23:32) I: please tell me you're kidding
(22:23:52) I: now is not a good time for all of this stress <_<
(22:24:32) T: not kidding, but nobody's signing it...
(22:24:43) I: ok, that makes me feel a little bit better
(22:24:45) I: who started it?
(22:24:48) I: and how did you find out?
(22:24:58) I: and how do you know no one is signing it?
(22:28:33) T: sergio [Note: Sergio is the current band president and also Mindy's boyfriend]
(22:28:45) T: emalie [Note: Current head drum major]
(22:28:51) T: felipe [Note: Current co-drum major]
(22:29:01) I: hmm
(22:29:21) I: and why isn't this being communicated to me through them? <_<
(22:29:41) T: the topic came up
(22:30:25) I: ok, so explain everything in detail
(22:33:30) T: there's not really any detail...
(22:33:40) T: DMs (drum majors) were having a meeting
(22:33:48) I: in the band hall?
(22:33:55) T: and me and Wendi were eavesdropping
(22:33:58) I: ohhhh i see
(22:34:02) T: without permission
(22:34:36) I: who would sign it?
(22:35:01) T: only the peeps who voted 4 her in the first place
(22:35:16) I: hmm
(22:35:35) I: they're wasting energy that could be spent studying for AP exams
(22:35:35) I: <_<
(22:36:14) I: and if demontray sees it, he's gonna freask [Note: Demontray is our director.]
(22:36:16) I: freak*

So yea, in short, there's a petition going around trying to make Mindy the VP instead of me. I'm not too worried about it though. That petition is going to do more harm than good. Our director is already kind of peeved at us because someone, pissed that they didn't make drum major, wrote a passionately angry note on Facebook talking smack about the people that did make it and stuff like that. I wish I could've seen it, but he posted it in the band's Facebook group, and the admin (the drum major) deleted it before a lot of people could see it.

There's a band concert tomorrow. Apparently, middle school kids and other band directors are coming to watch how good we play. Hopefully we won't mess up too much.

The Note

2008-05-05T03:57:15Z

Surprisingly, I had time to write that note to Crystal. It kinda took a while since I was trying really hard to word things correctly. I think it turned out well in the end.

You know, I've been thinking a little about your whole fasting thing, and that thinking influenced me to write this. In my opinion, I think you're taking the wrong approach to this. (Although, I know nothing about fasting, so who am I to say what's right and what isn't?) Instead of taking the approach of repressing taboo feelings such as being attracted to homosexual actions, tight jeans, and whatever that secret thing you keep mentioning is, maybe you should consider broadening your horizons to what else is out there. Instead of staying within the comfort of your own world, venture out into other realms of thought. Read ideas from a secular point of view, a democratic point of view, or any other point of view that isn't yours. I'm thinking that doing that will make you not only a better person but also a happier person. I know this because what's going on with you is similar to what I went through when I was first identifying myself. When I first started being attracted to guys, I absolutely hated it. I hated the idea of me not being "normal." So, to combat my unorthodoxy, I repressed all of my homosexual feelings. In the end, I turned into a depressed soul. I tried so hard to stop myself from not being "normal", but, in the end, it wasn't working. I soon just gave up and accepted who I was. It made me a lot happier, and it allowed me enjoy life more. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: let things run its course, repression leads to depression, everything happens for a reason.

Respond in any way you want. Do what you like, you don't have to be nice. Good luck with this whole fasting thing. I hope you emerge as a better person.

Tina suggested that I give it to her so that she can give it to Crystal, so that's what I'm gonna do. I wonder what kind of reaction it'll get.

I asked Tom why he trusted me because I really was wondering. He gave a really good answer.

(14:07:33) I: this might be a weird question, but i've been wondering: why do you trust me?
(14:08:39) Tom: hmmm.....ur personality, ur calm, ur not all blabbing to other ppl about everything, ur contained, ur smart / sophisitcated at least, and my gut feeling tells me so
(14:09:26) I: hmm
(14:09:41) I: sounds good
(14:09:54) I: i dunno, i find it odd when people say they trust me <_<
(14:09:59) T: hmmm....
(14:10:07) T: i do too
(14:10:32) I: haha, i'm not alone
(14:12:59) I: well, it's good that you trust me
(14:13:00) I: :D
(14:13:35) T: that smile...seems fishy...
(14:13:45) T: jk
(14:13:52) I: hah <_<

For some reason, I was expecting an "uh...i dunno."

SAT

2008-05-04T04:09:14Z

I took the real SAT today. It was kinda weird. Here's how it went:

I kinda rushed getting ready and everything. I was planning to wake up at 6:30, and i did, but I fell back asleep and woke up at 7:00. I immediately started to freak out because we were going to leave the house at 7:25 so we could get to the University of Houston by 7:45, and I haven't even eaten breakfast or organized everything I was going to take to the testing center. I somehow managed to get ready in 25 minutes, and fortunately we got to the testing center at 7:30 since I practically live in University of Houston (seriously, my house is on the campus map. <_<) When I got there, I was kind of confused. There were a bunch of students in front of the building, but no one was going inside or anything. About 25 minutes later someone came and told everyone to follow her to the testing site. It was about a 5 minute walk to another part of the campus. I don't get why they could've just told us to meet at the testing center, but the place where everyone met was at a more central place on the campus, and the testing center was tucked away in some random spot. Anyway, the test was in a small lecture hall. The seats were pretty comfortable although they squeaked. It was so funny, by the time we got to the 10th and final section there was so much noise. Everyone was itching to get done. So yea, the test was pretty easy. I hope I get a good score. I'm aiming for a 2000.

In other news, I was talking with Tom one day, and to my surprise he said that he trusted me. For some reason, I found that quite odd. Maybe it's because I haven't really known him for that long, and it's just odd to me that you can gain someone's trust after only knowing them for a short time. Maybe that says something about me as a person. I dunno. There could be a lot of hidden meanings in this situation. <_<

[Note: We were talking about popularity and friendships and stuff like that.]
(21:56:10) I: what about now?
(21:58:02) Tom: hmm
(21:59:03) T: 2 best ones, about 8 close ones a handful of good ones and the rest i kinda distanced myself from
(21:59:27) T: theres like maybe 10 or so good ones
(21:59:45) T: your one of them =D
(22:00:37) I: :D
(22:01:26) I: i feel honored
(22:01:44) T: you should, ur one of the few i trust too
(22:02:04) I: really?
(22:02:07) T: yea
(22:02:16) I: awesome

I was talking with Andy today about Crystal, and he gave me a brilliant idea. He was saying how Crystal should open up to new ideas, and I was thinking that I should write a note to her talking about that, and in that note I should reference that she shouldn't suppress attractions (in it I'll be referencing to myself secretly, but mainly I'll be talking about how she finds homosexual situations attractive) because that suppression can lead to depression and unhappiness. I'm hoping it'll steer her in the right direction because what she's doing right now isn't exactly the way I'd approach it. Hopefully I'll have time to do it before Monday.

YES!!!!

2008-05-03T04:15:25Z

Eeeeee! I'm so happy right now!

Ok, so the band banquet was loads of fun. They announced all of the new officers, and it was announced that I am now one of the flute section leaders and... VICE PRESIDENT!!! Whee! :D

After the formal part of the banquet was over a lot of people were congratulating me and the new president, my co-section leader. I have never given/received so many hugs in my life. I gave one to Lain for making co-saxophone section leader. It was awesome. I also gave a really big hug to Ash. Apparently, I won by one vote, and his vote was my winning vote.

Anyway, Tina made assistant drum major, Crystal is head secretary, Andy is co-historian, Ramen is head equipment manager. Things are good.

I caught Crystal staring at me for a long time at one time. She keeps apologizing for ignoring me too. What she really needs to apologize for is those offensive comments she made to me about homosexuality. Hmph!

Also, Tom isn't really in a good mood. He didn't section leader like he wanted, and the funny thing is is that this person that's less qualified than he is made section leader instead of him. I'm sure a lot of people are wtfing about that. I know I am.

Officer Tryouts, Continued.

2008-05-02T04:00:00Z

So, officer tryouts were yesterday. It was a long and tedious process. First was the teaching part of the audition where each person had to teach the block band for 2 minutes. Caught completely off guard, I was the first one chosen to teach the block band. I had no idea what I was going to do, so I thought up a lesson in like 5 seconds and just went with it. I did pretty well; the only thing I messed up on was that I fluctuated the tempo in my clapping while I was telling people to keep their posture straight and to roll their feet. About 3 hours and about 30 people teaching the block band, everyone met in the band hall to continue with the interview and playing portion of the audition. One at a time, all of the section leaders went in the instrument storage room to get their brains picked by the drum majors and directors. Since I was the first of the section leader candidates to go in the teaching portion, I was the last to go in the interview process. It was kinda nice going last since I got to hang out a lot in the band hall and talk to people. I got to mess with Lain's and Crystal's saxophones. It was fun. I couldn't play them though since we weren't allowed to make musical noises. I also talked to Lain about politics (well, tried). Tina, myself, Crystal, and Lain, and I think another person were talking about how expensive gas prices are ($3.50 average in Houston), and Crystal was giving false data and stuff. Then it transitioned to asking Lain if he was a Democrat or a Republican. He doesn't seem to be that interested in politics, but his mom is voting for Hilary, so I guess that means he's a Democrat by association. Hooray! Anyway, at around 8:10 I went in for my interview. It was kinda awkward in the band hall. I was the only section leader candidate left in there. The rest were the people trying out for drum major, and they were in a circle conducting around me. So yea, I went in for my interview. It was pretty easy. I went in, played my musical piece, they asked me to march a little, and then i sat down for my interview. My interview was extremely short. It consisted of one question: "Why do you want to be section leader?" So, I answered it and they said I could go.

So yea, I probably made section leader again this year since I did pretty well as a section leader this year. What I'm more concerned about is if I won the vice president spot or not. We find out who made what tomorrow night at the band banquet, so we'll see then.

In other news, yesterday after 4th period someone set fire to a trash can in the boys restroom. While I was walking to band class I noticed that there was smoke in the second floor and it smelled like someone was roasting marshmallows. I passed by the scene of the crime and there was an AP and 2 policemen outside the restroom. I'm guessing the fire wasn't that bad, but something troubles me. Why didn't the fire alarm go off?

Officer Tryouts

2008-05-01T04:42:58Z

Band officer tryouts were today. The process was really tedious, and I'm extremely tired from it. I'm not even done with my homework.
All in all, I did pretty well. I'll write more about this tomorrow since I still have to finish homework right now. <_<

Sleeping In

2008-04-30T04:30:32Z

I got to sleep in (well, not really) today. It was pretty relaxing. I got up at around 7:15, which is way later than when I normally wake up (5:40) and ate breakfast and all of that good stuff. Afterward, I just chilled in my room and did homework and other random things until it was time to leave for school. For all of the other standardized testing days I have to come at the regular time though. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

The school yearbooks came out today. They are amazing! The theme is pretty cool too. It's "Our Own Beat", and it revolves around music and stuff like that. A CD even came with it featuring the marching band, orchestra, choir, and student-formed bands. It's pretty awesome. I'm in the yearbook quite a lot too. Club photos and random people taking pictures of me had something to do with that. I'm kind of glad I'm in the yearbook a lot this year. It shows my commitment to the school and how involved I am in its activities and such.

Band officer elections and auditions are tomorrow. I have to give a speech in front of the band persuading them to vote for me. I kinda don't feel like doing it since the speeches don't really matter. Everyone pretty much knows who they're voting for by election day. I'm not too worried about losing anyway. I got a lot of people to vote for me, so I'm probably in good hands.

Huh?

2008-04-29T04:15:15Z

Apparently, something interesting pertaining to my Crystal situation happened during the band officer workshops. I'll let AIM logs explain. <_<

(18:38:08) Tina: well, when yall came in, [crystal] was almost in tears...
(18:38:25) I: why?
(18:39:13) T: something about seeing the section leader side of u and u critisizing her...idk...she wasn't explaining herself very well
(18:39:31) I: huh?
(18:39:57) T: did u critique her outside @ all?
(18:40:30) I: oh, yea <_<
(18:40:42) I: it wasn't during my teaching though
(18:41:35) T: well, something having 2 do with u critiquing her upset her...
(18:41:43) I: oh
(18:42:11) I: i was only trying to help
(18:42:31) T: that's what i told her...
(18:42:43) T: she's just super sensitive...
(18:42:48) I: yea
(18:43:44) I: why would that upset her though?
(18:44:04) I: if anyone else said that would she be like that?
(18:44:21) T: probably not...
(18:44:38) T: idk... she's so dang sensitive and confusing...
(18:44:46) I: yea
(18:45:14) I: but why me?
(18:45:16) I: i don't understand
(18:49:50) I: does [crystal] have a problem with me or something?
(18:50:08) T: liiike...?
(18:50:15) I: i dunno
(18:50:16) I: like
(18:50:19) I: i think she thinks i'm mad at her
(18:50:28) I: since when i critiqued her, i said it nicely
(18:50:35) I: so i don't understand why she would be upset
(18:50:43) I: unless she thinks i'm like out to get her or something
(18:52:08) T: shhe was just like "i saw section leader austin today and it was kinda mean"
(18:52:33) T: and then something about the critique
(18:53:21) I: it wasn't mean <_<
(18:53:41) T: she's 2 sensitive
(18:54:52) I: yea

I bet y'all are wondering what happened. Well, at the beginning of the workshop, the drum majors asked the people trying out for drum major to stay in the band hall, and for the people only trying out for section leader to go outside with the other drum majors. We went to the blacktop where the dots are, and we started practicing teaching the block band. When Crystal was going, she made the bad mistake of stopping clapping while calling commands, so after she was done I told that to her. I guess, for some reason, that offended her or something which made her cry. Although, I didn't see it, so I didn't know about it until Tina told me about it when I got home.

Even though a lot hasn't happened, I'm getting tired of it. All of this is so immature. I didn't do anything wrong! Crystal is just putting unnecessary stress on herself making herself a hot mess in the middle of band officer tryouts, AP exams, and final exams. It's not worth it. It's not worth it at all. You know, I just want to figure out exactly what's wrong and just talk to her about it. But, that leads to me actually knowing that she likes me which will make everything more awkward. So, I'm just gonna wade it out and just let time work its magic.

I don't have to come to school until 11:45 tomorrow because of standardized testing. I'm excited. :D

New Look

2008-04-28T04:11:47Z

I'm trying to change my layout on here a bit, but I've hit a bit of a wall. I don't know how to make the background where all of the entries are and all of that transparent. Hopefully it isn't took complicated so that I don't have to learn CSS or something.

In other news today was pretty mediocre. It was the last day of the SAT Prep classes. It wasn't really all that spectacular. Now things are gonna start getting really stressful for me. I have the SAT next weekend, then AP exams start that week, then there are finals afterward. I hope I get exempted from a lot of my finals, so I don't have to worry about that. Although, despite the APs and SAT, I'm not too worried about the tests and such. In a sense, all I have to do is study really hard for German and Physics (since I suck at those), and I'll get at least a 3 on all of my exams.

So yea, AP studying started today and continues until exams are over. School work is unfortunately being neglected. <_<

Random Thoughts

2008-04-27T04:48:16Z

I don't think I've gotten to post my thoughts on this whole Crystal situation. So I'll be doing that now. <_<

I don't understand a lot of things that are going on. First, if Crystal does like me, then why would she go on saying things about homosexuality and how it's a one-way, non-stop ticket to Hell? I'm sure, hell, I know she knows that those kinds of things offend me a lot, so saying those types of things to me wouldn't really help if you want someone to have a good opinion of you. Lindsay was telling me when this was happening that the probably wants to change me so that I would be in love with her. But, there is one thing about that that don't make sense. I am bisexual, which means that I like girls also, so am I not already made so that I can like Crystal too? Something tells me that Crystal, in her closed, conservative, Christian mind thinks that bisexuality doesn't exist.

Another thing I don't understand is this whole fasting thing she's doing. Someone asked her during lunch why she was doing it, and she replied "To get over my gay fetish, my tight jean fetish [To me, that isn't really something one needs to get over, but, whatever.], and something secret [the fact that she likes me.]" That is the only thing I understand. She's doing this to become unhypocrtical. I got that. What I don't get is how this is going to all happen. How does not having electronics, eating pita bread, reading the Bible, and praying help you find a solution to your problems? To me, all you have to do is think through it. Essentially, Crystal is going through doublethink, so all she has to do is change the conflicting opinion/act, and everything is gravy again. Although I'm making it sound easier than it is, that's basically what it is. Also, I guess since I'm not a religious person, I don't get how praying gets you the answer. It's like the answer just falls from the sky or something. <_< Oh, and I think I mentioned this. Crystal requested that I stay away from her during this whole process. I haven't been doing that since if she wants to stay away from me she will. But, get this, it seemed like she was getting closer to me. I didn't get it at all.

So yea, I had to let all of that out. I probably sounded really ignorant in that, but it doesn't really matter to me right now. <_<
Also, despite my passionate anger at Crystal. I realy hope she finds an answer that satisfies her.

As for me, I want her to become more tolerant.

Whoo! Friday!

2008-04-26T03:50:23Z

This weekend's gonna be my first weekend home since the spring trip. I don't really have anything planned, so I guess all I'm going to do is sit at home and do homework and go to SAT prep classes (which I really don't want to go to).

Band officer elections are starting up. I'm running for VP and section leader. The way things are going now I think I can get both positions, but you never know.

What....the....fuck.....?

2008-04-25T04:55:16Z

Note: This entry might have a lot of excerpts from notes, AIM chats, etc.

I am extremely confused right now. Ok, so let me start from the beginning.

After lunch I was walking with Tina, and she tells me that someone likes me, but that she's sworn to secrecy, so she can't tell anyone. But, I can have hints, so I start asking random questions. I pretty much narrowed it down to a woodwind player in the band. Although, I had no idea who it would be, so I didn't really dwell on it too much. I had in the back of my head the idea that Crystal might like me, but I'm usually wrong on those. Later on, when I get home, I get an IM from Tina:

(18:03:18) Tina: Did u get my text?
(18:03:35) I: my phone ran out of batteries
(18:03:51) I: lemme turn it on

So, I do that, and I see this message:

"Mkay. I'll tell u who likes u. It's [crystal]. I wasn't gonna tell u, but i didn't want u 2 ask her if she knew anything about it. Just act like you don't know."

At this point, everything is starting to make sense to me now. It makes perfect sense why she's fasting starting tomorrow. It's because she's "hit a wall" of sorts. He believes homosexuality is wrong, but she falls in love with a bisexual person. So, she's probably all like "omgwtfdoido." Filled with shock about this, I talk to my friend Lindsay about this:

(18:31:08) I: lindsay
(18:31:15) I: i'm having the biggest "wtf" moment right now
(18:31:28) Lindsay: diga me
(18:31:45) I: ok, so sunday [crystal] was talking to me about homosexuality
(18:31:50) L: oh lord
(18:31:52) I: and telling me i should change so i won't go to hell
(18:31:53) I: but get this
(18:31:56) L: wtf
(18:31:57) I: she likes me
(18:32:04) L: HA!
(18:32:08) I: so i'm seriously wtfing right now
(18:32:10) L: ahhhhh typical girl
(18:32:16) L: well
(18:32:18) L: the question is
(18:32:20) L: do you like HER
(18:32:24) I: hell no
(18:32:36) I: why would i like someone that talks shit about who i am?
(18:32:41) L: h/o
(18:32:44) L: i have an answer to that
(18:33:59) L: you there?
(18:34:12) I: yea
(18:34:34) L: mk
(18:35:24) L: so well lemme tell you. i dont think it was so much
(18:35:27) L: she was tryin to diss you
(18:35:34) L: i think she was tryin to sway you toward women
(18:35:36) L: so that you'd like her
(18:35:38) L: thats what we girls do
(18:35:46) L: when i found out matt was gay, i still liked him or whatever
(18:35:56) L: so i was like "blah blah blah lets "go out" so ppl wont know that you're gay"
(18:36:01) I: pff, i don't see how doing that can get me to like her
(18:36:02) L: and i was just doin that so i could be with him
(18:36:04) I: what she said seriously offended me
(18:36:08) L: well thats what we THINK
(18:36:11) L: what'd she say?
(18:36:11) I: do you wanna see it?
(18:36:14) L: mhm
(18:36:20) I: i'll send it in a facebook message
(18:36:23) L: so i can decide if shes' smart or just a bitch
(18:36:53) L: and since when are public school kids religious?
(18:37:01) I: they aren't
(18:37:01) L: haha
(18:37:02) I: she just is
(18:37:03) L: i know
(18:37:04) L: oh
(18:37:05) L: psh
(18:37:07) L: she's a freak then
(18:37:16) L: public school kids that are religious
(18:37:19) L: are often fanaticals
(18:37:34) L: i'm religious but i go to private school so i have an excuse
(18:37:45) L: but i also dont believe in certain teachings.
(18:37:57) L: which means i'm TECHNICALLY not supposed to be in the church
(18:37:58) I: ok, i have to start from a place that's off-topic because that's how it transitions into the homosexuality topic
(18:37:59) L: but whatever
(18:38:04) L: mk
(18:38:09) L: i dont care
(18:39:09) L: u do it yet
(18:39:09) L: ?
(18:39:24) I: ok, i sent it
(18:40:31) L: mk
(18:40:52) L: ohkay
(18:40:55) L: yeah she's a weirdo
(18:41:01) L: '[screenname]?'
(18:41:04) L: FUH-REAK.
(18:41:07) I: you read it that quickly?
(18:41:09) L: no
(18:41:18) I: oh
(18:41:23) L: and she's an idiot b/c
(18:41:27) L: the theory of evolution
(18:41:48) L: doesnt suggest that all that happened without god's help or the help of a superior all knowing being
(18:41:58) L: she needs to get her fuckin facts straight before she goes preachin
(18:42:31) I: lawl
(18:42:39) L: the bible doesnt say that homosexuals go to hell either
(18:42:43) L: LET ME TALK TO THIS GIRL
(18:42:45) L: SHE'S AN IDIOT
(18:42:55) I: uh...
(18:42:57) I: ok
(18:43:02) I: lemme explain something
(18:43:04) L: mk
(18:43:14) I: because she's hit a "brick wall" of sorts because she likes a bisexual person
(18:43:19) I: she's doing this "fasting" thing
(18:43:29) I: so she can connect spritually or someshit
(18:44:17) I: so..yea...
(18:44:24) I: i dunno, you can talk to her
(18:44:36) L: AND WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TO SAY YOU'LL GO TO HELL
(18:44:39) L: only god decides
(18:44:42) L: omg i have to talk to this bitch
(18:44:52) I: i don't think i was supposed to say anything to anyone about this anyway
(18:44:53) I: but oh well
(18:45:00) L: i dont care
(18:45:02) I: go ahead, don't mention me though
(18:45:05) L: ok
(18:45:12) L: its her AIM s/n right?
(18:45:15) I: yea
(18:45:19) L: and ther are spaces?
(18:45:21) L: or just all together?
(18:45:26) I: i think it's all together
(18:45:30) L: ok
(18:47:03) L: i'm gonna tell her
(18:47:05) L: the truth
(18:47:14) L: since she likes to talk about the fuckin "truth of the bible"
(18:47:19) I: she isn't supposed to know i like her though
(18:47:21) I: so don't mention that
(18:47:21) L: she's reading it from a literalist standpoint
(18:47:25) L: you like her?
(18:47:27) I: wait
(18:47:29) I: other way around
(18:47:32) L: hahhha
(18:47:33) L: i was like
(18:47:34) L: ......wtf
(18:47:34) L: hahah
(18:47:46) I: haha
(18:48:39) L: i dont think she'll talk to me
(18:48:39) L: hahh
(18:48:56) I: what are you saying?
(18:48:59) L: h/o

A few minutes later, Lindsay sends her via AIM a long paragraph explaining exactly how she feels and stuff like that to Crystal. It reads:

"i saw the conversation you had with him a while ago about evolution and homosexuality. i know that southern baptists take a literal approach to interpretting the bible unlike episcopalians, catholics, lutherans, and pretty much every other demonational christian who interpret it in a non-literal approach. i'd like to respectfully say, in a school where i learn religion for an hour a day and we spend that hour interpretting the bible, nowhere in the Holy book does it say blatantly that "homosexuality is an automatic ticket to hell" or that "god has no part in evolution". i go to an all girls catholic school where discussion about such things are open. the church teaches that homosexuality is only a mortal sin if the person ACTS on it. i understand southern baptists see it as a 'choice' but sometimes the person doesnt choose it necessarily. secondly, we learn evolution and the theory, but also the fact that god CREATED the process. we believe in the big bang, but that god caused that big bang. i agree with you on the fact that there is no way such a creation could happen without a god, but also god created some type of thing to create this world. and also, in closing, if you were a true christian, you'd know that putting blame and guilt on someone and telling them that they're going to hell is against our beliefs. its' neither our place nor our knowledge to tell someone where they're going. only god knows. for you to tell austin if he were to die he'd go to hell, is a completely un-christian thing to say. in my opinion. i understand you want to "save him" but remember u cant save anyone that doesnt want to be saved. if he lives his life well like a good person, which you and i BOTH KNOW he is, he will be fine under god's judgement. just a point from one religious person to another...:-)"

Those words Lindsay said to Crystal were gold. Pure. Gold. What she said was so wonderful that I almost started crying. Anyway, Crystal had a response:

"It may be so, but there's a lot more to this than you or Austin would realize. There are more motives behind this than what are shown on the surface. I can't tell you exactly what they are, mainly because they are secrets meant to be /kept/ secrets.
I understand as much as what you've said."

While all of this is happening, Crystal is talking to me:

(18:51:14) Crystal: You're going to have some explaining to do in a minute or two.
(18:51:31) I: huh?
(18:51:43) C: Some person I do not know is talking to me, saying that she is your friend. You gave her my AIM?
(18:52:00) I: yea, she wanted to talk to you
(18:52:16) C: Did she say what about? (She's a slow typer- driving me crazy)
(18:52:25) I: no
(18:52:44) I: and she isn't a slow typer so she must be writing a paragraph or something
(18:52:45) I: <_<
(18:52:49) C: Ack.
(18:53:13) C: Uhm, did you tell her anything about me, ever? (How else would she know about me/want to talk to me?)
(18:53:53) I: you'll see
(18:54:04) C: Is she going to harrass me about harrassing you?
(18:54:15) I: not exactly
(18:54:20) C: That's not good.
(18:54:49) C: Will it make me frustrated and send me into a bout of tears?
(18:55:00) I: no idea
(18:55:04) C: Probably.
(18:55:11) C: Austin...
(18:55:14) I: yea?
(18:55:21) C: Ugh.
(18:56:10) I: what's wrong?
(18:56:44) C: Oh, it's nothing. I don't AT ALL mind being "not exactly" harrassed. I'm not looking forward to the moment she presses enter...which is now.
(18:57:24) C: I ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ANYONE!
(18:58:12) I: it was an introduction to the topic at hand
(18:58:16) I: and it isn't really bad
(19:00:36) C: I still asked you if you were going to send it to anyone. Which was a "don't send it to anyone".
(19:00:41) C: Goodness, Austin.
(19:00:48) I: well, even though that was bad
(19:00:54) I: you should live up to your opinions
(19:01:49) C: True, but I tend to be more open and honest and BLUNT with my close friends than I would be with others.
(19:03:28) I: well yea, but you should still be at least somewhat proud of what you believe in
(19:04:05) C: Yes, except I tend to say things to you or [Tina] that I wouldn't say to others. (This is going in a circle.)
(19:04:10) C: Anyway. Bye.

I think that's it....
Oh, I need to explain Crystal's whole fasting thing. I'll just take an exceprt from a note she wrote about it.

"I'm about to begin fasting.

What am I giving up?
I'm giving up my laptop, my iPod, and my dinner.

For how long?
One week at least. Two months at most. Depends on when God gives me an answer.

Why is a food-loving person like myself depriving herself of dinner for a while?
Well, I'm actually trading dinner for one small slice of pita bread and a small glass of water.
And the whole point of giving it all up is to find answers, through consultation t do I hope to accomplish?
A new outlook on life. I'm hoping to trust people easier. I'm hoping to not like some things that I currently like that are taboo. I'm hoping to have a dramatic change in my attitude and the way I treat others (for the better; yes, I can do much better- I just need help)."

So yea...Austin had an interesting day.
Commentary would be entertaining. <_<

Love Humanity

2008-04-24T04:59:21Z

The author of the book Kaffir Boy, Mark Mathabane, came to our school today to speak to us about his life and stuff like that. His speech was very inspirational. It made me feel lucky that I'm able to enjoy the freedoms that I get to in America without being frowned upon for how I am on the inside and outside. He also emphasized that we should love humanity and all that it's worth. That we're the generation that can change the world for the better and that we need to start now to end prejudices and bigotry. What perfect timing for Crystal to hear that speech (fortunately, she went as well).

Band Officers; Conservative Christians

2008-04-23T05:16:48Z

Band officer sign-ups were today. I signed up for vice president and flute section leader. I feel confident that I'll get the section leader position, but I'm not sure about the vice president position. A lot of people are trying out for it, so the votes for it will be split up a lot. As long as a few people drop out (lol) and I get a good majority of the woodwinds then I'll be able to win. Hopefully the speech I'm required to write (which I'm not nappy about) will help win me some votes. I highly doubt it though.

Crystal has been pissing me off.
I'll just let these AIM logs explain everything.

(19:38:30) I: just wondering, what do you think of evolution?
(19:38:52) Crystal: First, why do you ask and who are you going to tell about my opinions?
(19:39:04) I: just wondering
(19:39:05) I: and no one
(19:40:17) C: The chances of one cell forming from nothing without God's help is 1^-58 or something like that.
(19:40:31) C: I studied it for a bit.
(19:41:45) C: Anyway, I'm not certain how God exactly shaped the world, but I believe the Bible. I believe Genesis. I believe that the Bible is the ONLY source of Truth.
(19:42:13) C: What do you believe? (Aren't you a Christian, too?)
(19:43:01) I: i believe in evolution <_<
(19:43:17) C: oh
(19:44:15) I: yea
(19:44:49) C: I'm a bit surprised. But you are a Christian?
(19:44:58) I: i actually have no idea anymore
(19:45:36) C: Would you mind if I give you my opinion (and tell you of my beliefs)?
(19:45:45) I: opinion of what?
(19:45:58) C: What I think of you and Christianity.
(19:46:04) I: go for it
(19:46:17) C: Well, not to be offensive, just letting you know...
(19:47:40) C: Homosexuality of any form is not compatible with Christianity (the Bible says that homosexuals go to Hell; personally, I wouldn't risk it, though I know you think that people are born homosexual- I still disagree, but want to stay in neutral territory).
(19:48:28) C: And, well, what I remember from talking with you, I go the message that you don't really have a relationship with God.
(19:48:52) C: That's what I've gathered. (I am a Christian, by the way. But you know that.)
(19:49:16) C: Anyway, we're eating, but I'll respond when I get done in a moment. :]
(19:49:36) I: ok
(19:49:47) I: well
(19:50:09) I: you're right, i don't really have a relationship with god and all that since i haven't been to church in forever
(19:51:01) C: Going to church doesn't make a person a Christian. :/ (I'll respond until mum actually comes to sit.)
(19:51:12) I: true
(19:51:14) I: adding to that
(19:51:19) I: i don't have a bible and i don't pray
(19:51:21) I: so yea
(19:51:22) I: <_<
(19:51:39) C: Being a Christian is having an active, real relationship with God.
(19:51:58) C: A question, though, do you have an interest in having a relationship with God?
(19:52:04) C: Do you WANT to know Him? [Note: Now that I read this again I'm wondering why she would think I would want to know someone that thinks I should go to Hell.]
(19:52:57) I: not really
(20:05:04) C: oh
(20:06:17) I: yea *shrugs*
(20:06:50) C: I suppose... I'll have something to say to you tomorrow...morning...
(20:06:59) C: Eh...
(20:07:24) I: that doesn't sound good
(20:08:00) C: It's not bad, but I hope you don't feel guilty. (Knowing you, you won't. Only someone like me would feel guilty.)
(20:08:47) I: hmm
(20:08:53) I: why will it be told to me tomorrow morning?
(20:09:06) C: Because it sounds better when you say it aloud. :]
(20:09:12) I: <_<
(20:09:13) I: >_>
(20:09:24) C: It sounds stupid when you type it over AIM. There's not emotion to it.
(20:09:34) I: i wanna see it though
(20:09:44) I: you've built up anticipation :<
(20:09:50) C: It's only 5 words...
(20:09:52) C: >_>
(20:10:05) C: Not important, unless you overly care about how I feel.
(20:10:36) I: are those 5 words "i love you a lot"?
(20:10:37) I: <_<
(20:10:48) C: Haha. No.
(20:12:01) C: You'll hear it tomorrow. It's more of a sad thing, than a love-like-whateveryouwanttocallit-thing.
(20:13:36) I: hmmm
(20:13:46) C: Hmm
(20:13:50) I: i wanna hear it now <_<
(20:14:06) C: I told you it would sound stupid.
(20:14:21) C: You want to hear it anyway, don't you?
(20:14:27) I: yes
(20:17:50) C: What you had said, it made me sad. (That was actually four words.) I mean that, as in, I was hoping you'd find truth. Or at least agree. I want to say it without seeming like I'm trying to "convert" (what an ugly word) you or forcing you to conform to my beliefs.
(20:19:01) C: But, see, if you were to die tomorrow, it makes me sad because I know you'd not go to Heaven (meaning that you'd go to Hell, which is not good. It's not good with [Andy] or [Ramen] or Joy, either, but there was more hope for you than them. You weren't "atheist".).
(20:19:10) C: It would make [Tina] sad, too.
(20:20:12) I: :|
(20:20:41) I: i kinda figured you'd be disappointed in my beliefs (or ,rather, lack of)
(20:21:19) C: Yea. (I'm not the only one. But I figured [Tina] figured. I had hope. Maybe I'm too naive.)
(20:22:10) I: wait, what do you mean?
(20:23:13) C: I was hoping you'd realize that you weren't really a Christian and then you'd actually become one. To sum it up. [Tina] knows you better. >_>
(20:23:35) I: oh, i see
(20:23:51) C: Mm.
(20:24:51) I: oh well, i'm still a good person
(20:25:19) C: That is true. Just. Eh. Eh eh eh eh. Eh. >_> Anyway.
(20:25:46) I: aside from god frowning upon my homosexual tendencies, i'm a good person <_<
(20:26:17) C: I think that you shouldn't be a homosexual. It's another thing that makes me sad. [Andy]'s a problem enough.
(20:26:37) I: i can't help it though
(20:27:05) C: I won't argue with you. It'll only cause unrest. And it'll probably result in me crying and Austin not talking to me (or being mean to me).
(20:27:35) I: *shrugs*
(20:28:33) C: is that incentive to argue with you, because I know I'll feel guilty if I don't speak out, but I'll probably get hurt because I did speak out.
(20:29:09) I: *shrugs*
(20:29:11) I: i dunno
(20:29:19) I: you don't like that i have homosexual tendencies
(20:29:25) I: but it's something i can't help
(20:29:45) I: honestly, liking guys along with girls is a love-hate kind of thing
(20:30:00) I: i think it's really cool that i'm attracted to both sexes
(20:30:02) I: but at the same time
(20:30:23) I: it sucks that i always fall in love with straight guys and i have to deal with everything that goes with that
(20:31:52) C: Mmhmm. I can see that. Methinks that God created humans to be heterosexual. It's obvious. Except for those rare people who were born transexual. I don't see why someone would force themselves against their own nature... But I do hear what you're saying. Disagreeing with you all the way, though.
(20:32:28) C: But, could it be that you want to be close friends with these guys, but don't know quite how to go about being close friends with them. Or, rather, good friends.
(20:34:02) I: what do you mean?
(20:35:24) C: Are you asking about the last part?
(20:35:39) I: yea
(20:38:24) C: I'm asking if it's possible that you only like guys because you want to be good friends with them, but don't know how to become friends. Then you fall into this idea that you like them? Is that possible? (I've felt that way with cool girls, but I determined that the confusion was rather not understanding how to go about being friends with them.)
(20:40:05) I: not really
(20:41:24) C: Mm. Well that's too bad. I just think homosexuality is more conscious a decision. (And I think it's very unfair. There are gay guys- or bisexual guys- who are very cool. Unfortunately, some of them have no interest in girls. Sucks for us. Boys can be so cruel.)
(20:43:56) I: it's unfair for un-heterosexual guys and girls to fall in love with their straight counterparts <_<
(20:45:13) C: No. It's how the world is supposed to work. The world wouldn't have been populated with only homosexuals for long. (As in, gays and lesbians.) It's you people who aren't fair. Sometimes I wish I had the urge or the want in me to beat you up. [Andy] too.
(20:45:44) C: There's a reason as to why only girls can make babies (unless you were born transexual).
(20:47:31) I: well
(20:47:55) I: if those people aren't supposed to exist, then why do they exist?
(20:49:13) C: I think that it was a conscious decision to be homosexual. You weren't made to be homosexual. God meant for you to have a better life (and less stressful and difficult) as far as love and relationships like that go.
(20:51:10) I: *shrugs*
(20:52:47) C: Mmm. You and [Andy] cause such problems. You may cause less, but you're still a heartache for those of us who care. I almost want to say that [Tina] and I feel your pain everytime you hit a wall, but she may be desensitized to all of this mess, and I'm oversensitive. [Note: I asked Tina about this, and she said she doesn't give a shit.]
(20:55:11) I: :|
(20:56:31) C: You better feel guilty. (People like you actually do keep me up in bed, thinking and hurting with all this. Sometimes I even CRY over it. You. [Andy]. Whatever. You better feel bad about it. I also think you should change/ fix it. But you don't agree with me.)
(20:58:20) I: you shouldn't feel too bad about us
(20:58:26) I: well, me, i can't say much for [andy]
(20:58:26) I: <_<
(20:58:36) I: as for me, i'm doing fine with my problems and such
(20:59:07) C: You may be doing well, but the people closest to you are affected.
(21:01:13) C: And, besides, a person like me who's oversensitive to those around her feels what others may not.
(21:01:24) I: true
(21:01:26) I: *shrugs*
(21:01:31) I: you shouldn't feel too bad for me
(21:01:37) I: i'm fine
(21:01:41) I: for now at least :p
(21:01:48) C: That's what I worry about.
(21:02:46) C: And I can't help being the way I am. It's who I am (which is different from what you "can't help" in my book).
(21:04:01) I: *shrugs*
(21:04:50) I: i just don't get how you still think sexuality is a choice after someone with personal experience is telling you it isn't, but it doesn't really matter to me
(21:05:51) C: I believe the Bible. I told you that. Why would God make someone homosexual if they'd only be doomed to face damnation and the eternal fires in Hell?
(21:11:03) I: i dunno
(21:12:21) C: Me, I think that you can choose not to be homosexual. I wish you'd have some sort of want to do that. I wish that you'd have the determination to do that. I wish a lot of things. But wishes don't get us anywhere.
(21:14:03) C: I'll be adding you to my long morning prayer list. Every night I pray for you, but with the 15 seconds I get in the morning, it's a bit difficult to ramble off nine names in your head when you're 5% conscious. Clint, [Andy], Steven, Paul, Rachel, Angelique, [Tina], Alex, and Austin. And that's adding to the rest of my prayers. >_> [Note: Those other people are just people that she knows and I don't.]
(21:14:31) C: There are a lot of Alex-es, by the way. :]
(21:15:22) I: <_<
(21:15:24) C: But, I'm heading off to a hot shower and then one episode of Asian drama. Or maybe not. I think I'm going to bed after shower, devotional & Bible-reading & prayer. :]
(21:15:29) I: kay
(21:15:30) I: one more thing
(21:15:51) I: to be honest, when i was realizing that i was bisexual, i did want to change because it wasn't really normal
(21:15:55) I: but i've grown to accept it
(21:17:03) C: I think that you shouldn't conform to this transient world. I wish that you wouldn't. I know it isn't right. And I'm certain that it isn't Austin. It just isn't right. Wishes, again. :P G'night to you.
(21:17:11) I: good night

So yea. That conversation didn't really make me happy. Although, this happened Sunday night, and I'm pretty much past all of this. But, Crystal thinks I'm mad at her, so she's avoiding me kind of. It's really weird. Oh, what's also weird is that she's doing this fasting thing so that she can find a spiritual connection with god and find answers to her "problems". If you ask me, her problem is not being tolerant to other people's lifestyles, not me or any other people "choosing" what sex we want to be attracted to. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna give her some magazine/newspaper articles dealing with homosexuality and stuff like that. They're pretty good so maybe she'll learn a thing or two while reading them. Also, what's really stupid is that she practically creams her panties when she sees homosexual stuff (i.e yaoi/shounen-ai).

Oh, you know, this reminds me of something Dr. Seuss once said. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I think this applies greatly in this situation.

If you have any questions about this just ask. :D

South Padre Island Part 2

2008-04-22T04:13:38Z

Saturday - Sleeping with Alex was very interesting. He moved a lot in his sleep so by the morning when I woke up, he was pretty much on top of me. I woke up to find my face buried in his back pretty much. I never said anything about that to him when he woke up though. But, when he made a joke about me humping him in bed, I told him about how close he got to me. He was kinda surprised XD. Anyway, today was the day we performed for the competition. We performed in a convention center hall which was a little weird since the acoustics were very different from those in an auditorium. All in all we did quite well. We received a superior (division 1) rating and received Runner-Up In Class for the 5A division. After our performance we headed back to the hotel to change for Schlitterbahn. Schlitterbahn was so cool! The park was basically built around this lazy river where you just floated around until you saw a ride you wanted to get on then you would float into the line. That had its downside though. Since you were in the water on and off, it would be really cold once you got out. The high winds that day didn't help either. Despite that, riding the 2 slides I did and hanging out with my friends was well worth it. The park closed at 5, so around then we headed back to the hotel again to change for the award ceremony/dinner/dance. It was at Schlitterbahn still so it wasn't really anything special. The food was ok. I didn't eat a lot of it since I wasn't hungry. I didn't really do much dancing either since I don't really know how. I danced to a couple of songs which was fun. I had a great time there. Some interesting things happened there too. There were some people from our school grinding with other people and all that fun stutff, and, apparently, this guy got a number from this girl that was in a band (or maybe a choir) from Oklahoma and they were talking and such. In fact, the girl and her friend came to our hotel afterwards to try to hangout with him, but he wouldn't, so they left quite angry at him. It was hilarious. Alex got a number from one of them as well, but I don't think he called any of them. Anyway, after the dance party thingy everyone went to the pool/hottub to celebrate our last night in South Padre. The water was really hot. Everyone was practically cooking in there (it smelled like we were anyway). The pool closed at 11, so after that everyone started hanging out in other people's rooms and stuff like that. I floated in between watching people play Rock Band in one room, Tom's room, and Tina's room. Oh, funny thing. I was in Tina's room talking with Crystal and Andy and some other people when all of the sudden the power went out. It was pretty freaky. Everyone had to leave their rooms and gather near these security lights in the middle of the hallway. Some people were in the shower at the time. The power came back on a few minutes afterwards, so everyone resumed what they were doing earlier. Everyone finally settled into their respective rooms at around 12:45. Our room went to sleep at like 2-ish.

Sunday - Our room woke kinda late. <_< No one set an alarm so we just slept in. We had to report with everything packed and stuff at 9:00 and we woke up at 8:15. A lot of other people woke up late too though, so it wasn't as bad. The director wasn't even really strict about the time anyway. We just left whenever everyone was ready. The bus ride back was kinda boring. I was extremely tired. I slept from the beginning until we got stopped by border patrol. Then I listen to my iPod for a bit and fell asleep some more. We stopped for lunch. Oh! I had my first visit to a Dairy Queen. I was so excited. I've always wanted to go to a Dairy Queen and get their Blizzards, but there aren't really any in Houston. I finally got one though. It was so cool. When I got it the cashier turned it upside down, and it stayed in the cup! I was so amazed. <_< Anyway, after that I watched Rush Hour 3 on the bus and slept some more until we finally got into Houston at around 4:30.

So yea, there's basically what happened on the trip. It was very fun. Oh, I got to meet Lain's mom. She's a pretty cool person. She reminds me a little bit of my mom.

Sign-ups for band officer positions are tomorrow. I'm a little anxious to see who my competition is. I doubt I have much.

I'm Back, Unfortunately

2008-04-21T04:15:27Z

I'm back home in Houston now after having a great time at South Padre Island. Although, it's kinda depressing being back since I'm leaving behind such a wonderful place. But, we gotta do what we gotta do. Now for a summary on what happened. :D

Thursday - This was the day we left for South Padre. We left and said our goodbyes to the people that weren't going during 6th period. The bus ride was ok. It felt kinda weird being on there for a long time. It was like that feeling you get while being on an airplane for a long time but not as intense. We made two stops during our 7 hour bus ride. The first was at this truck station where people went and bough food and stuff like that. I got a sundae at the nearby McDonalds. It was so funny, the gas station was packed with band people, but the McDonalds was practically empty. What was ever funnier was that a worker at the McDonalds commented on that. The next stop was at this strip center in the middle of nowhere. We couldn't go too far into the center, only to Cici's, some BBQ place, Radio Shack, and this furniture store. First I went with some friends to Radio Shack and looked at stuff for a while then we played games in the parking lot until we had to hit the road again. We finally arrived at the hotel at around 9:30. We then got situated in our room and started hanging out with other people and stuff like that. After curfew we (me, Ramen, Alex, and Doug) started watching videos on Youtube then we played Gamecube until around 1 which was when everyone started to wind down. Alex snores. It's kinda funny.

Friday - Our first real day in South Padre! Waking up was a bit weird. Ramen wanted us to wake up at 6:30 so we wouldn't have to rush in leaving and all that stuff. We both set our alarms for 6:30, but no one in the room woke up. Well, I did and i think Ramen did too, but he fell back asleep. Anyway, our first destination was this dolphin watch boat tour thingy. I was surprised they had one of those. I wasn't aware that there were dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico. It was a pretty cool boat ride. Although, it was cold from the rain earlier and very windy which wasn't a very winning combination for those who didn't have a jacket (me). On the same boat tour the boatsmen showed us the sea animals that live in the Gulf of Mexico. It was pretty neat seeing them up close and being able to touch them and such. Afterwards we headed back to the hotel and changed for the beach/pool. The beach was pretty fun although, once again, it was a little cold. Somehow, a friend convinced me to go in the water, and I was freezing my ass off in there. Oh, funny story. I almost drowned. <_< The waves were quite rough, and I was pulled in some deep water which was going over my head making it hard to breathe. I was able to swim away from it into some shallower water and was ok. :D We gout out of the water later and ran to the hotel hottub (which was fortunately not too far away) where we spent the remaining time. Later in the evening we went to a dinner and hypnosis show. The hypnosis show was hilarious. The host brought up volunteers to get hypnotized (Ramen was one of them) and he made them do hilarious things. The most hilarious of the tasks were an American Idol competition and a dance competition. Everyone looked like a complete fool up there. It's a good thing they weren't completely aware of it. Afterwards everyone was crowding around Ramen asking him what happened and such. It was really funny, someone recorded the whole show and he was adamant that he wasn't the one doing it. The fact soon set in that was in fact the one doing all of that rediculous stuff. Later in the hotel room we watched some of the video again and played the usual Gamecube. Ramen fell asleep on my bed watching Animal House, so I had to sleep with Alex this night. It was quite interesting....

I'll pick up on the following two days tomorrow. I need to sleep. :<

Last Day :|

2008-04-20T04:55:23Z

It's the last night we're here in S.Padre. I'm kinda depressed about it, but I'll make up for it by having a shit load of fun in the room.
Also, the power went out like 5 minutes ago. It was pretty fun. I'll write more about that later though, hopefully, when I get home.

Whoo!

2008-04-18T20:15:37Z

Just a quick update since I'm about to leave.
So yea, South Padre is really fun. It's nice being away from home and school while being with some of your closest friends. Although, I have shit load of homework to do which I am not looking forward to.

Anyway, I'll write in here again once I get the chance.