Surprisingly, I had time to write that note to Crystal. It kinda took a while since I was trying really hard to word things correctly. I think it turned out well in the end.

( Well, here it is. )

Tina suggested that I give it to her so that she can give it to Crystal, so that's what I'm gonna do. I wonder what kind of reaction it'll get.

I asked Tom why he trusted me because I really was wondering. He gave a really good answer.

(14:07:33) I: this might be a weird question, but i've been wondering: why do you trust me?
(14:08:39) Tom: hmmm.....ur personality, ur calm, ur not all blabbing to other ppl about everything, ur contained, ur smart / sophisitcated at least, and my gut feeling tells me so
(14:09:26) I: hmm
(14:09:41) I: sounds good
(14:09:54) I: i dunno, i find it odd when people say they trust me <_<
(14:09:59) T: hmmm....
(14:10:07) T: i do too
(14:10:32) I: haha, i'm not alone
(14:12:59) I: well, it's good that you trust me
(14:13:00) I: :D
(14:13:35) T: that smile...seems fishy...
(14:13:45) T: jk
(14:13:52) I: hah <_<

For some reason, I was expecting an "uh...i dunno."

Note: This entry might have a lot of excerpts from notes, AIM chats, etc.

I am extremely confused right now. Ok, so let me start from the beginning.

After lunch I was walking with Tina, and she tells me that someone likes me, but that she's sworn to secrecy, so she can't tell anyone. But, I can have hints, so I start asking random questions. I pretty much narrowed it down to a woodwind player in the band. Although, I had no idea who it would be, so I didn't really dwell on it too much. I had in the back of my head the idea that Crystal might like me, but I'm usually wrong on those. Later on, when I get home, I get an IM from Tina:

(18:03:18) Tina: Did u get my text?
(18:03:35) I: my phone ran out of batteries
(18:03:51) I: lemme turn it on

So, I do that, and I see this message:

"Mkay. I'll tell u who likes u. It's [crystal]. I wasn't gonna tell u, but i didn't want u 2 ask her if she knew anything about it. Just act like you don't know."

At this point, everything is starting to make sense to me now. It makes perfect sense why she's fasting starting tomorrow. It's because she's "hit a wall" of sorts. He believes homosexuality is wrong, but she falls in love with a bisexual person. So, she's probably all like "omgwtfdoido." Filled with shock about this, I talk to my friend Lindsay about this:



A few minutes later, Lindsay sends her via AIM a long paragraph explaining exactly how she feels and stuff like that to Crystal. It reads:

"i saw the conversation you had with him a while ago about evolution and homosexuality. i know that southern baptists take a literal approach to interpretting the bible unlike episcopalians, catholics, lutherans, and pretty much every other demonational christian who interpret it in a non-literal approach. i'd like to respectfully say, in a school where i learn religion for an hour a day and we spend that hour interpretting the bible, nowhere in the Holy book does it say blatantly that "homosexuality is an automatic ticket to hell" or that "god has no part in evolution". i go to an all girls catholic school where discussion about such things are open. the church teaches that homosexuality is only a mortal sin if the person ACTS on it. i understand southern baptists see it as a 'choice' but sometimes the person doesnt choose it necessarily. secondly, we learn evolution and the theory, but also the fact that god CREATED the process. we believe in the big bang, but that god caused that big bang. i agree with you on the fact that there is no way such a creation could happen without a god, but also god created some type of thing to create this world. and also, in closing, if you were a true christian, you'd know that putting blame and guilt on someone and telling them that they're going to hell is against our beliefs. its' neither our place nor our knowledge to tell someone where they're going. only god knows. for you to tell austin if he were to die he'd go to hell, is a completely un-christian thing to say. in my opinion. i understand you want to "save him" but remember u cant save anyone that doesnt want to be saved. if he lives his life well like a good person, which you and i BOTH KNOW he is, he will be fine under god's judgement. just a point from one religious person to another...:-)"

Those words Lindsay said to Crystal were gold. Pure. Gold. What she said was so wonderful that I almost started crying. Anyway, Crystal had a response:

"It may be so, but there's a lot more to this than you or Austin would realize. There are more motives behind this than what are shown on the surface. I can't tell you exactly what they are, mainly because they are secrets meant to be /kept/ secrets.
I understand as much as what you've said."

While all of this is happening, Crystal is talking to me:


I think that's it....
Oh, I need to explain Crystal's whole fasting thing. I'll just take an exceprt from a note she wrote about it.



So yea...Austin had an interesting day.
Commentary would be entertaining. <_<

The author of the book Kaffir Boy, Mark Mathabane, came to our school today to speak to us about his life and stuff like that. His speech was very inspirational. It made me feel lucky that I'm able to enjoy the freedoms that I get to in America without being frowned upon for how I am on the inside and outside. He also emphasized that we should love humanity and all that it's worth. That we're the generation that can change the world for the better and that we need to start now to end prejudices and bigotry. What perfect timing for Crystal to hear that speech (fortunately, she went as well).

Band officer sign-ups were today. I signed up for vice president and flute section leader. I feel confident that I'll get the section leader position, but I'm not sure about the vice president position. A lot of people are trying out for it, so the votes for it will be split up a lot. As long as a few people drop out (lol) and I get a good majority of the woodwinds then I'll be able to win. Hopefully the speech I'm required to write (which I'm not nappy about) will help win me some votes. I highly doubt it though.

Crystal has been pissing me off.
I'll just let these AIM logs explain everything.



So yea. That conversation didn't really make me happy. Although, this happened Sunday night, and I'm pretty much past all of this. But, Crystal thinks I'm mad at her, so she's avoiding me kind of. It's really weird. Oh, what's also weird is that she's doing this fasting thing so that she can find a spiritual connection with god and find answers to her "problems". If you ask me, her problem is not being tolerant to other people's lifestyles, not me or any other people "choosing" what sex we want to be attracted to. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna give her some magazine/newspaper articles dealing with homosexuality and stuff like that. They're pretty good so maybe she'll learn a thing or two while reading them. Also, what's really stupid is that she practically creams her panties when she sees homosexual stuff (i.e yaoi/shounen-ai).

Oh, you know, this reminds me of something Dr. Seuss once said. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I think this applies greatly in this situation.

If you have any questions about this just ask. :D

GG, good game Lain. Good game. I had fun.

So, I did it. Even though he isn't my boyfriend now I still feel somewhat good about it. I conquered one of my biggest fears. It feels oddly good. So, here's how it all went down. After the band final (party) was finished I asked Lain to come with me in this storage room in the band hall and I just spilled it.

I: Um....I don't know how to put this and I'm kinda in a rush so I'll just say it - I like you.
Lain: What?
I: I like you.
L: You're gay?
I: No, bi.
L: That's weird.
I: Yea...
L: Well...I'm straight.
I: Yea... so, are you ok with it?
L: Yea.

Afterwards, we just kinda left the room. People had seen that we were in a room with the door closed so that kinda raised suspicion in them. As we left, people were asking what had happened. I said "nothing". I'm not sure what Lain said. Later when I got home a friend had told me that the people that were around that room thought that I was disciplining him (Note: I have a position of leadership in band. Flute section leader to be exact) for something that he did which I don't know of. As long as the story stays that way I'm fine with it. When I got home my thoughts began to get scattered and scattered as the hours went by. I couldn't study for my Chinese final. I felt like I needed to apologize. So I did. I sent him a message over Facebook which said.

"I know you probably don't want to hear anything else from me, but I think more should be said.

I'm /really/ sorry for freaking you out/shocking you with the whole "I like you." thing. I'm sure it was something you didn't want to happen to you in high school, especially in your freshman year. At least you'll have something interesting to tell your children later in life (if you have any). So...um...yea.... I'm glad you're ok with it although if you don't want me to be near you or talk to you or anything like that I completely understand.

Once again. I apologize.

Any questions, comments, concerns would be greatly appreciated. Also, disregard the AIM question (unless by some force of a deity you still want to talk to me).

Also, it would be nice if this didn't get out to anyone."

It feels like this is only the beginning. We'll just have to wait and see. There's school tomorrow and then school again on the 7th. Although, next semester I won't have a class with him since (1) he didn't make the top band like I did, therefore he will be in a different class (2) I'm a junior and he's a freshman. We'll have to and see.

 Yep. I'm going to do it alright. I'm going to tell Lain that I like him tomorrow. I don't even know why I'm doing it either. I guess it's because I'm tired of waiting around. I'm tired of not being the one to take the initiative. I'm tired of complaining without having done anything. Earlier today when I got home at around 1:30, I was pretty much freaking out about it. I was so nervous and scared. I had the same feeling I had whenever I get in line for rollercoasters.  Right now, I don't have that feeling. It's kinda worrying me. I guess all of this over confidence of Lain being accepting of the fact that a guy likes him is getting to me. I'm not even expecting much from this anyway. What I think will happen is that I'll tell him and then he'll be like "No, sorry" but he'll still not be as weirded out. That scenario is fine with me. As long as we still talk and stuff just a little less since I can understand that he'll be afraid of me coming on to him. What I really don't want to happen is that he just absolutely hates me for liking him and such and then proceeds to go and tell others of this and I become the talk of the band for being bisexual. What would be a miracle is Lain saying yes and we become a happy couple. :D

I'm pretty much in the dark about what might happen so we'll just have to wait and see. I hope I don't chicken out.

Finals update: I took the US History and English ones today. They were pretty easy. I might've messed up on the English final a little but it won't cost me that many points. Who knows.